July 12, 2016

Where were we?  Oh yeah, I was terrified.

Once again, talking about doing something and actually doing it are two totally different things.  And don’t we all know that? One requires bravado and the other requires courage. Going to Kazakhstan required more than courage; it required total trust in God. And believe me, there were time I was worried that God had lost it.

The closer Allen’s seminary graduation, the more stressed out I became. By this time, God had identified the place He wanted us. Kazakhstan. Never heard of it! Did research.  People ate horse, lived in yurts and utilized  the great outdoors to take care of personal business. People were COMMUNISTS!  I remember asking God if He knew who He was dealing with.  I don’t think He answered. That was a pretty presumptuous question, anyway. I like heat, hot water, and wooden houses that aren’t packed up to follow the sheep. I love capitalism and shopping and freedoms granted in our constitution.  

I couldn’t tell Allen  I was so scared that I was peeing in my panties.  I couldn’t tell him that this great calling on him from God would have to exclude me.  I couldn’t tell him that all his studying would only be an exercise is time management and self-discipline. I couldn’t tell him I wasn’t willing to walk the talk.  I just liked the talk part.

Nothing compounded my fear more than the one class I attended about world missions at Allen’s seminary.  The whole semester was about world missions.  The class I chose to attend was all about Christian martyrs.  All the many men and women of God who made the ultimate sacrifice to further the Kingdom of God. Those who carried their caskets to the field.  Those who were destroyed by illnesses.  Those who literally “lost it,” unable to deal with the tremendous stress of living in another culture. Three hours of an oral death knell squashed whatever iota of courage I had. I didn’t want to die.  I didn’t want to suffer for the Kingdom.  I didn’t want to really be a missionary.  I didn’t want Allen to be a missionary. I loved the life we had. But, how was I going to tell Allen?

Finally in desperation, I met with a dear friend and former pastor who, after calmly listening to all my fears, made a brilliant suggestion,   “Why don’t you visit Kazakhstan?”  What?  That is so practical.  That is so logical.  That is so perfect. In fact almost all potential field workers make an “exploratory” visit.  No one told us about that.  We thought we had to just jump in without testing the waters. So, we made arrangements to visit Kazakhstan.   I actually scheduled our two week visit for what I thought would be the worst time of the year - January.  (Boy was I wrong!  Spring melt in the worst time.)

So we boarded a plane for an very long (26 hour total travel time, including layovers) trip. Allen was overwhelmed with excitement. Me?  I was hoping this would be  the worst experience in both our lives and that we would go home grateful that we hadn’t made a terrible mistake!

What happened when we arrived in Almaty?  I tell ya later.